“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: The Girl Who’s A Player

Welcome back! Did you have a nice labor day? Fashion never has a day off, as demonstrated by the attractive mannequins of America’s Next Top Model. Let’s skip the introduction and get straight to it:

Unnecessarily Complex Mini-Challange: Immediately the models are put into a mini-challenge in which they stomp the runway wearing nothing but silly string. (Someone probably saw that Alexander McQueen spray-paint runway show,) The stunt comes off like a frat-party hazing ritual, with Adam for ripping and roaring like a ‘roided up pledge.

Oh, Adam, you’re the worst. No, really.

Love is in the Air: Keith wins the mini-challenge for looking perfect while the rest of the models are simply mediocre. As a prize, he gets to stay in the Tyra Suite, which is eerily decorated with pictures of Tyra as a child. “Look at all the pictures of Tyra!” the models all exclaim out of contractual obligation.

Meanwhile, I’m beginning to think we’ve entered Tyra’s subconscious, and the model house is some Silent Hill scene replaying her repressed memories.

Keith brings Kari into the big bed and they snuggle but don’t bone. “I don’t want to be aggressive,” he insists before screaming “SPOON ME!” Because subtlety.

Matthew and Mirjana also snuggle (but don’t bone). Mirjana reveals in a confessional that she has a boyfriend at home. This is troublesome for a number of reasons.

1.  Matthew is 24 and Mirjana is 18.  Age is just a number, but that is a little creepy.

2. Mirjana’s boyfriend looks like he’s 12 years old.

3. Mirjana did not break up with her boyfriend before the show, nor did she tell Matthew he exists. This budding relationship is doomed.

“This is America’s Next Top Model, not America’s Find The Next Lover,” Mirjana instructs us. Right, America’s Find The Next Lover is called Bachelor in Paradise.

Keith

Pseudo-Artistic Photo-Shoot: The models have buckets of water dumped on them while posing in front of the Windows background screen. The water is very cold—like Ice Bucket Challenge cold. When the contestants balk at the temperature, Yu Tsai screams “Don’t stop until we tell you to!”

Ivy, who does noticeably poor on the shoot, says that she’s “nervous [she's] not going to live up to Tyra’s standards.”

No one ever does, sweetie.

Gender-Normative Bull: Tyra explains that boys have “boom boom boom” referring to their abdominal muscles.  Girls have “boom boom wow” referring to their… stomachs?

Meanwhile, while resident gay Will worries about not looking masculine enough, bi witch Romeo is praised for his “masculine androgyny.” Which is not a thing.

Catfight: After a night of drinking, Mirjana notices Adam slurring his words despite his often-mentioned party credentials. Mirjana pops off, calling Adam out on being an immature drunk. During the fight, Adam mentions his “impressive” SAT scores to prove that he is smarter than Mirjana. Adam is 26 years old—the fact that he is still bringing up his SAT scores is actually kind of sad.

Miss Jay Is Perfection: Miss Jay will be wearing a hairstyle to reflect a different era during every elimination.  I have no idea what this means and I don’t care because Miss Jay is The Best.

Predictable Elimination: Keith still looks perfect so he winds up on top, despite being criticized for having a large penis. (No, seriously.)

Matthew flirts with Tyra and then Tyra forces him to speak in a weird accent (no clue why).  Adam does well because Tyra likes his enthusiasm (ugh). During Adam’s review, he makes a creepy comment about statutory rape that goes unnoticed by the panel, (double ugh).

Ivy

Poor little Ivy, who previously complained about being awkward despite looking like Lily Cole, is eliminated. We suspect Romeo’s hex had something to do with this.

The Comeback: But wait! Ivy can still re-enter the competition if her social media scores are high enough. Everyone deserves a second chance—especially those who have been struck down by black magic.

Check back next week for our recap of America’s Next Top Model episode 4, “The Guy Who Gets A Beard Weave”.  (Spoiler alert: It’s the makeover episode.)